The Tough Reality of Growing up

Time seems to be slipping through my fingers at the moment. Each day I get closer to that stage of turning into an adult. Of course my age tells me otherwise, it tells me that I have been an adult for a good few years now, but my brain has always felt differently. I am twenty-one in less than a month and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this. I believe that after twenty-one, the birthdays become less exciting and more of a dread. Twenty-one is still young though. There is so much more of my life ahead of me, even though becoming an adult can be daunting, it opens doors to a great amount of opportunities and experiences. As you grow up you become more life-aware, less scared, you encounter more bravery and get to grasps with the feeling of independence. Independent is something I am good at, something that doesn't seem to terrify me and I absolutely love it.

On Thursday I handed in my dissertation. In one week I had a presentation, handed in two other assignments and received two good grades for previous work. Last week was by far, an incredibly stressful week. Not only did I feel ecstatic, I also felt extremely mentally drained. Last week broke me a bit, I let the work get to me and I crumbled. I think this is normal, in fact it is normal. It is common to feel overwhelmed. Right now I am free, at least for a while. I took the time to hang out with friends and let lose for the night on Friday which I suffered for on Saturday. Saturday was the worst of days to feel hung over, but it wasn’t long before I was distracted by better things.

Yesterday I went into London to see You Me At Six at Alexandra Palace. Stupidly, I made the same mistake twice by being hung over and shattered. I was in the exactly same position when I saw Foals there in February. It is difficult focusing when you feel like that, especially when you are trying to have a good conversation. Silly me! It makes you feel as if you're not really present in a moment, it makes you feel frozen in time when everyone else is moving around you. I also took a bit of a plunge and I'm very glad I did. Although it was a short space of time, and a small step it gave me some confident that I think I'd been lacking lately. 

On the way to London, Luke and I were on the underground and these guys who claimed they were early twenties, were being ridiculously immature. I sat there observing as they attempted to flirt with two girls opposite, but not in a nice way. They were just sniggering and making stupid comments. These girls were evidently a lot younger and soon admitted they were sixteen. I felt insanely sorry for them as I looked pitifully at one of the girls and smiled. It turns out they were heading to You Me At Six too. I love people watching and the tube is always a good place to do it. The boys attempted to talk to me but I wasn’t having much of it as I quickly dismissed them. I hardly ever feel my age, but things like that made me realise that I really am mature in some respects. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to have fun and act like a child, but then I also know when it’s appropriate to act my age. I exchanged glances between two classes of ‘men’of the same age and distinguished between the differences; immature or mature…the latter – every time.

We got to Alexandra Palace about half-past seven which I was relieved about because I thought we had managed to get there in time to catch The Young Kato, however I was wrong. Don Bronco were on second and we had missed The Young Kato. I only found this out when I bumped into my good friend Sarah and her sister. It had been a long time since I’d last seen her. The last time I saw her was when we went to Winter Wonderland and I was ill with flu, so my company wasn’t the best. It was completely down to chance that we bumped into her as the signal is awful inside the venue, which Luke and I learnt at the end of the gig when we completely lost each other.

We entered the great hall in time for You Me At Six to enter the stage. The room was filled with people and we squeezed our way through some of the crowd. As I stood, surrounded by teenagers I felt a sense of disappointment fill me. I remember being that teenager pushing her way to the front, jumping like crazy and even attempting to join a mosh pit, but yesterday I stood there as a young women finding those starting mosh pits annoying. I hate the thought of growing out of a band, or growing too old for a situation, and yesterday I felt I was. I found it hard to get excited because I was so spaced out and tired. It sounds almost arrogant of me to say I felt too old, but that’s not the way I mean it to be received. I can get excited and hyper like every other person but the fact is that I didn’t feel the same enjoyment as I used to. I love music so much that the thought of growing too old for  band is really quite upsetting. My taste in music has a guess in a way, matured. I could contradict myself and blame it entirely on my hangover and lack of sleep, but I felt there was something more to it. I remember seeing adults at previous gigs of other artists who must be in their mid-thirties and they still enjoy every second of live music. Most of the time it is down to the alcohol intake, but still they love it. I want to be that adult. I want to still be going to gigs when I grow older. I want to take my children to their first gig. Music is something you never grow out of, but your taste in it will adapt to your age. 

I worry about when it is time to grow up, and start acting more adult-like. For example when I go out and act ridiculous because I get too drunk. When do I need to snap out of that? Well, realistically there are still adults who get really drunk and silly. Alcohol does seem to affect your mental age a lot. So I guess this is a post about the inevitability of growing up. I just can’t believe I’m at that stage where teenagers, just six years younger than me are making me feel nostalgic. Six years is a long time, but it really doesn’t feel that long since I was in their shoes, and that thought is scary. I seriously believe that every year seems to be shorter than the last, but I guess it’s about time I felt like an adult. I definitely feel more so than I ever have before, and I honestly believe the end of university is making me feel this way.