Do Something that Scares You Every Week: Graduation and Moving to Barcelona

Do Something that Scares You Every Week: Graduation and Moving to Barcelona

I haven’t blogged in a while. I think this stems from the amount of unfinished blog posts I have saved on my computer. It seems that I would become inspired and get stuck on a post, but then be unable to finish it. I begin to write a post, and then I sometimes worry whether it will interest anyone. I know you should never write for anyone else, but I like to write pieces that are engaging and make them really think about something. It’s always nice reading a post that you can relate to, so I believe that these topics I will discuss may be of interest, or at least I hope so!

For a lot of you summer finished mid-way through September, but for me it’s been extended slightly. Well, the ‘summer holidays’ has, I can’t say much for the weather. Since finishing university in June and then receiving the good news of getting onto the English teaching assistant program in Spain, I have been filling time - a lot of time. Unlike a lot of my friends, I am waiting for my job to begin whilst others have just entered their final year of uni, got themselves jobs in London, surrounding areas, or even all the way in China teaching English (Hola Mike).

The wait has been a long one, and at times I have felt like I wasn’t even really going away, but over the past few weeks it has come around quicker than ever. This summer has been a weird one, I feel like when you finish university you have a lot to think about, and a lot of us can change a bit, adapting to new surroundings, as well as the reality of becoming an adult. It can be hard to come to terms with life back home again, but I feel, putting aside adapting to living with family again, that I have settled back into life in Essex quite well. Since moving away to Winchester I began to appreciate my life back home, and realise that I was lucky with what I have. I have a great set of friends, and this summer I have met and become close to people I was never expecting to. I think it’s weird how things can work out just by chance and mere coincidences.

On a slightly negative note, the past few months have given me time for a bit of a self-evaluation. I have previously mentioned about anxiety in a post in April, where I even spoke about my personal experience with it. I feel that my anxiety may have developed to a bigger level than it was once before, but I’m hoping it is just a phase and that it won’t become too much of a problem. I never mentioned a panic attack I had during one of my 21^st birthday celebrations. When it was happening I found it really embarrassing, but I was able to calm myself down because I had two important people there who helped me. I took myself out of the situation and slowly but surely, was able to calm myself down and carry on enjoying myself.

The thing that pains me the most about suffering from a form of anxiety is that it really does kill the fun of a moment. It takes a lot to try and not stress, or even think about the possibilities of a situation. Some people find this much easier than others. It can also be very isolating when people struggle to understand what is going on in your head, and why you are reacting in a certain way.

Now, this brings me to the topic of my graduation. I was lucky enough to request a later starting time for my job in Barcelona so that I was able to attend my graduation, however as graduation neared I was more annoyed at the decision I had made. The thought of graduation started to make me feel sick, more than it did excited. I started to wish I had never decided to attend, but graduation is honestly a once in a life time opportunity and if it is possible to attend then I really advise that you do. Not only is it personally rewarding, but it also very special for family and friends to see. After finding a nice dress I felt more at ease at the thought of graduation, this was until the morning of the day before graduation.

My family and I travelled up to Winchester on the Monday which was the day before the ceremony where we stayed overnight in a hotel, due to the early start for the ceremony on the Tuesday. Most of Monday I was pretty quiet and unsure of my emotions, it even got to points in the day where I was fighting back tears. I had no idea why I was so worked up. My mum pointed out that it could be due to the end of an era, the end of university and my final student experience of the place. Emotions are weird things, and annoyingly they are uncontrollable. Sometimes the way we feel can make us feel weird, or abnormal to others, but we just have to accept the fact that we cannot take control of the way we feel sometimes.

My sister arrived in the evening, and because I am moving to Spain we went for Tapas. Most of the evening I really let myself get lost in the moment and enjoy it, rather than worrying about the next morning. Unfortunately it wasn’t until I met up with my friend Nina afterwards where I began to stress about it again. Nonetheless it was nice seeing her, and weird saying goodbye as we knew we weren’t going to see each other for a long time. After this I went back to the hotel to try and get an early night, which of course didn’t really happen.

I woke up very early at just after 6am so that I was able to get myself ready in plenty of time. Most people have their graduations in summer when the weather is glorious, with lots of sun and heat, however I woke up to complete darkness and slight rain…that’s what having a graduation in October does for you!

Just before 9, my sister and I made our way to the Guildhall to pick up my robe. I think it was this moment that it really hit me; walking into an open room and seeing soon-to-be graduates dressed in robes, and it wasn’t long before I became one of them. Let’s not mention the hats, those bloody ridiculous hats, one moment it would feel secure then the next it would be on the floor. This is without even mentioning my fringe…let’s just saying having a fringe for graduation is too much hassle. However, I soon discovered, as soon as I entered the cathedral, that we weren’t even allowed to wear our hats inside the cathedral. All that fuss for nothing!

Wow. I cannot verbalise how incredible it was to have a graduation service in the cathedral. If you’re ever about near Winchester, then please go visit the Catherdral because it really is something quite spectacular. It’s also beautiful at Christmas when they have the Christmas market outside of it. I had been so nervous and anxious about graduation, but as soon as I entered the cathedral and saw how beautiful it looked, as well as all the faces, it felt a lot less daunting. Of course, it didn’t completely wipe out my nerves, but I finally felt I was able to enjoy it.

It was special being able to witness some of my friends graduate, especially two of my housemates. I wish I was able to witness all of them graduate, but we didn’t all have the same times or days. I was the last person from my course to graduate and my legs felt like jelly, but at the precise moment they said my name ‘Laura May Whitehead’, I didn’t think about anything else. Never did I ever think I would finish first year, let alone graduate, but I am so glad that I am able to say I have. I’m also very happy that my mum, sister, brother, and my lifelong friend Georgia were able to attend. It made it an even more special day. Some people may find it strange that I chose to give my extra ticket to her, but she’s helped me a lot over the years. I haven’t got a big family and we have been through a lot together. Some things she helped me with were really difficult, and it’s nice for her to be able to witness a happier and positive moment in my life. My mum was extremely emotional and I felt her begin to cry as soon as she wrapped her arms around me when she saw me at the end which nearly set me off! She sat with me in my room when I wanted to quit university, and she said she would support me either way. I chose to carry on, and power through and that was the best decision I made. I’m glad I had such a supportive family through my university experience. One important thing to voice here is that perseverance really does pay off.

As I mentioned that towards the end of the ceremony and further seeing people outside the cathedral is when I think it began to hit me. It made me realise that I really was done in Winchester, and that memories would soon become distant memories, but still life memories. It is a really horrible thought knowing that you can’t go back and that it will never be the same again, but always remember that change is good, and change is exciting. The end of university is the beginning of a hundred and one other opportunities. I really feel that we have to do things that scare us, and I know more often the phrase is ‘do something that scares you every day’, but sometimes I don’t think that’s possible, so for now I’m going to go with ‘do something that scares you every week’. Last week it was graduation and this week it’s flying to Barcelona to start a new adventure.

As time has progressed, from first applying for the job in Barcelona, and further being accepted onto the program, I have felt several separate feelings towards the idea of being away from home for nine months. As I mentioned a lot earlier, a lot has changed since I left university. I have felt complete terror towards going away, but the past week I have felt a lot of excitement too. I think it’s good to push the positive attitude to the front, and try to fight away any negative emotions, but most importantly it is okay to be scared. In fact, being scared is good. I am about to embark on an adventure with which I have very little expectations. I have no idea what to expect, and after living in Germany for four months, this is taking one bigger step. I don’t know anyone in Barcelona, and I am practically doing this by myself; however there are dozens of other people on the program who are also taking these leaps into the unknown who I will meet very soon.

For those who may not be aware, my nine months will consist of me being an assistant to a teacher in a Spanish school, helping teach English. I will live with up to three different families during my time away, they volunteer to put me up in the hope of having a cultural exchange, as much as I wish to have one. It is not guaranteed that they will speak English which is going to make things a little more difficult as I lack an ability to speak Spanish. I want more than anything to learn another language to a sufficient level and this is one of my biggest aims of partaking in the program. I made a huge mistake of not making enough effort to learn German when I lived in Dusseldorf, and I don’t want to make that mistake twice.

Today I had a final skype chat with one of the program coordinators. It was my chance to ask any questions I had and to find some clarity. At the end of the conversation I was smiling like a nutter, and the excitement I felt was becoming very prominent through the tone of my voice. Although right now I may feel a lot of excitement, I know that when it comes to Friday and I’m on the way to the airport I will have a few, if not more, worries flying around my head. I have been told repeatedly how brave I am to be taking this opportunity, and when I think about it then I guess it is brave, however I know that I’m going to be afraid and struggle. Yes I’m moving to Barcelona where the weather is nicer, as well as some of the scenery, but it’s not going to easy. I’m going to be doing my first real form of work, facing language barriers, meeting a lot of new people and even feeling homesick, but sometimes in life we have to push ourselves. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone to prove to myself I’m worthy of doing things that scare me even when I’m adamant I can’t. I want to prove to myself I’m an independent person who is capable of doing things on my own. The most rewarding moments in life are when we are terrified, but we carry on regardless of our fears and anxieties. They provide memories and stories that will be told to everyone that listens. Do something that scares you, and instead of saying no, say yes because life is for experiencing, and experiencing can’t happen without saying yes. Wish me luck!

I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I know it was a long one, so congratulations if you reached the end. Please keep checking back as I will be posting a lot from Spain and talking about the experiences I have during my time in Barcelona!

For now, take care.

Laura May